I would love to say that I have always been a confident and direct person that does what I want when I want. It would be amazing to say I’ve never been a push over and never cared what others think. But that would be a complete lie.

From a young age I’ve struggled with boundaries and allowed myself to change to fit a mold others wanted. I would have anxiety if I needed to tell someone no. I hated conflict and would avoid it at all cost. OR when it got to be too much I’d freak out like a crazy person. If I couldn’t handle a situation I’d ghost. Instead of setting healthy boundaries and having calm conversations I was either a pushover or a jerk.

We learn how to handle relationships and expectations as children. Some of us grow up with healthy examples of how to resolve conflict. Some of us don’t and have to figure it out for ourselves.

I started therapy when I was in college. All the issues I discussed had one thing in common. I didn’t have healthy boundaries. With family. With friends. With work. With myself…

After years of therapy and work on myself, I started to develop ways to begin putting boundaries in place to help me find balance.

Here are some simple boundaries to help find balance:

Mute group chats- I find them to be so overwhelming, especially when everyone is talking. It could be a friend group chat or even chats for work. Even if I have the volume down on my phone or computer, seeing the constant flashing gives me anxiety. I feel like I need to read and answer right away. So, unless there is an emergency situation I am aware of, I keep them on mute and check them periodically.

Use the focus feature on your phone– I have multiple focus settings. An example is one I have for work. The only texts/calls allowed are my husband, select family, and my children’s school. You can set them up however you want.

After work turn off your computer– I work from home and used to just leave the computer up. If I heard it go off, I’d end up checking it. I also had my work emails/chats on my phone. Nope. Not anymore. When I am done for the day. I. Am. Done. Taking a day off? Delete the work apps from your phone for the day or week. Enjoy your time. You deserve it.

Don’t over explain yourself – Anytime I had to tell someone no or have a difficult conversation I would over explain myself. Even if it was as simple as a friend asking to have dinner and I wasn’t up for it. I’d rattle off a million reason I couldn’t. Instead of just saying sorry, I can’t this time. At work, if I had to decline a meeting I would have anxiety and need to reply back and give them the reason I couldn’t attend. Now, I hit decline. Because guess what? If they are the type to get mad at you for saying no, then they probably are going to be mad regardless of the reason. Don’t want to answer texts from anyone after 5pm because you just want to hang out with your family? Then don’t! You don’t have to explain your boundaries.

Don’t give up, even when it’s hard – When I first started to mute messages and turn off my computer I was really nervous. What if I missed something important? What if someone needed to ask me something and they think I’m ignoring them? Is someone going to be mad at me? All these thoughts raced through my mind on repeat. But after a few days of nothing apocalyptic happening as a result of my muted groups chats, I started to relax. Half the time I forget I even have it muted.

I eventually told the members of the chats that it was too much for me to leave on so if someone really needed to reach me, to do it individually. Otherwise, I’d answer when I had time. Guess what? No one was mad. Half the time the boundaries we are scared to enforce are ones that others are completely fine with accepting! Unless they are toxic…A story for another time.

Let me know what little boundaries you use in your life to help yourself find balance